I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
