I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
please come you make the beer taste better
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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