By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
