Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
