you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
