So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
