I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
