I think I just saw someone hide a body.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
