Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just made my gag reflex go away.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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