I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
