I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
