She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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