Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
And then my night got REAL pukey
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
