This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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