oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
