Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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