i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
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when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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