oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
