We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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