i need an iv and a liver transplant
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
