Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
