and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
