My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
