So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
