Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
