Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
BRING THE BAGELS
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
