I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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