It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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