she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
