rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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