If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
