i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
