Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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