Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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