So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Pants are for mortals
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
