i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
