I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
