i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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