his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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