Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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