Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
