So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
