I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
