I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
