Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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