We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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