If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
