You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
