and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
