There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize